DISCLAIMER: The author of this piece acknowledges that he is not a nutritionist nor a trained medical professional. These are simply theories and observations developed over years of extensive hands-on research in the field of adult beverage consumption. Nor does the author necessarily practice what he preaches - in fact, there's a good chance that as you're reading this piece, the author is drinking, drunk, hung-over or even incarcerated. Nevertheless, he took enough time between research sessions to pass along the following for your consideration and entertainment.

The holiday season is in full swing, which means that, between the rugby practice that is holiday shopping and the teeth-grinding clusterfunk of winter travel, it's imperative you make time for umpteen pressing holiday parties, where you hobnob with friends, family and co-workers in anxious anticipation of finding out who is going to be the biggest, most scandalous idiot at the party.

Sounds like fun, eh? Having been the proud recipient of that honor more than once in my life, I would like to share with you, the reader, these theories on drinking.

Take heed of this advice, and in all likelihood you'll be rest assured that Jim from shipping made a bigger ass of himself than you.

Beer

A lot of people wonder why they seem to get drunker faster off draught beer. Of course, draught beer requires a high level of carbonation to move it through the line. That carbonation can also move it through the system, thereby affecting not only the head, but also parts lower.

One big problem with draught is that the quality of draught lines varies from bar to bar. If they're not cleaned, they'll pour a beer that will rip right through you like three-day-old tikka masala. You can tell if the beer sucks just by looking at it - if it's either too cloudy or too flat, it's probably off. If you get it to your lips and it smells bad, don't drink it.

By and large, draught beer is safe and enjoyable, but if you're trying to play it safe, the bottle is a better bet. Another thing to consider is how heavy a beer is. While you can sit there and whack back a dozen Bud Lights in an hour, it will take you a little longer to drink that much Heineken, simply because Heineken is heavier and goes down slower. When you're not trying to get blown out, slower is a good thing.

Hard liquor

There's a reason top-shelf booze costs more - because it's better.

Vodka, for instance, needs to be at least triple distilled in order to be decent. With each distillation, more impurities are removed, thereby making the liquor less detrimental to the body.

Never order a vodka and tonic, or a gin and tonic. Order a Stoli and tonic or a Bombay Sapphire and tonic. If you don't use specific names, the bartender will likely give you well liquor - the cheap, plastic jug-handle paint thinner you used to drink in college.

If you've got the cajones to run with tequila, ALWAYS order at least Cuervo or better. Tequila is one drink where the taste of inferior liquor is like the difference between filet mignon and Alpo. I recommend Don Julio or even Sauza. Patron is overrated and normally ordered in an attempt to sound cool.

As for Whiskey, my personal favorite, unfortunately, they're all evil. Just accept it, run with it and enjoy the ride.

Wine

Admittedly, I'm not much of a wine guy. I enjoy wine but don't know a hell of a lot about it. I do know this though - red wine is my kryptonite. One glass of red and I'm telling everyone exactly what I think about them, which is probably not the smartest thing to do at a party.

White is certainly safer - I recommend a nice Chardonnay or a Pinot Grigio.

And then there's

Here are a few more general pearls of wisdom I've harvested over the years that could be helpful during this festive season:

* Don't forget to eat. If you forget to eat and remember AFTER you've had two or three beers, it's too late. You're on your way downhill fast.

* One water for every two beers. It dilutes the alcohol. In college, that was a bad thing - when your job is on the line, it's a good thing.

* Antacid is your friend. When you're traveling from function to function with a couple of canapés, crabcakes and cocktails in you, sometimes you need to take care of that heartburn you get from running around.

* CAB IT!!! There's nothing that can scuttle a career worse than a DWI, more so if you're coming from a work function (unless you're Ted Kennedy or George W. Bush). You'll be lucky to just lose your job (just ask Mary Jo Kopechne). If you still need to be reminded of this, you're just a total jackass who shouldn't be invited to parties anyhow.

For the love of GOD, watch yourself. Maintain that mental net, and don't try to bag that cute chick from accounting or score with your supervisor's wife. Save that for another day when there are less people around to potentially witness your lasciviousness, you dirty bastard.

* Enjoy the Holiday Season! Peace on Earth, good will towards men, and don't do anything stupid.

Christopher M. Halleron, freelance writer/bitter bartender, writes a biweekly humor column for The Hudson Current and websites in the New York Metro area. He spends a lot of his time either in front of or behind the bar in Hoboken, New Jersey where his tolerance for liquor grows stronger as his tolerance for society is eroded on a daily basis. Feel free to drop him a line at c_halleron@yahoo.com.